For more information see Jersey Evening Post: 4 October 2014
Professor, author and activist Jennifer Finney Boylan and her family talk about staying together following her transition from M to F.
We know that being the family of a trans* person is not something you sought or ever thought you would have to deal with. We know that in coming out as trans*, we are also forcing you out as the family of a trans* person. We know that you are concerned for us, for our welfare, for our healthcare, for our relationships, for our safety, for all the reasons that you have seen as headlines in the newspapers, and that makes you afraid for us. We know that you can’t be sure we are doing the right thing, maybe we are just going through a phase. We know that you will get our name wrong and use the wrong pronoun sometimes, which may embarrass you in public. We know all of these things and that’s why coming out to our families is the hardest thing we have to do. We worry so much that, if we can’t help you find a way through all of these issues, we may lose you. We don’t want to lose you, we want you in our lives. Our love for you doesn’t change when we transition but, sometimes, your love for us does.
In an ideal world, when we come out to you as trans*, at some point in the process, we would like you to give us a hug and say something similar to: “That’s great news. I’m so happy that you have reached a place where you feel able to express yourself in a way that is true to the person you really are. How can I best help and support you?” We know this is a big ask, but it’s not an impossible ask.
To our mothers and fathers: when the midwife placed us in your arms for the first time and said, “It’s a …”, would you have loved us any less if she had said our real gender as opposed to the gender dictated by our genitalia? To our partners, siblings, children and wider family: when you met us for the first time and were introduced to us, “This is …”, would you have loved us any the less if you had been introduced to us as the name that we have chosen for ourselves to match our true gender? If the answer to both these questions is “no”, which it probably is, then the problem with transitioning is not our gender or our new name, the problem is that we are changing from something familiar to something that seems unfamiliar.
Nobody likes change and our transition imposes a change on your life that you did not seek. Because of the process of transition, the news of this change is necessarily sudden for our families. Transitioning is never a spur of the moment decision and coming out to our families happens at the end of a process that may take years. Our families, therefore, receive the news of our transition with none of the preparation time we have had. Put like this, as the person transitioning, we have a responsibility to help those whose love and support we value to transition with us.
As the family of a trans* person, you have a right to ask them to accept this responsibility and to give you the help and support you need to manage the change that is happening in your life. This may include arranging for you to speak to a counsellor about your concerns or finding appropriate resources to help you understand the process of transitioning and why it is not a choice for the trans* person. To this end, we have added a post about the Transition Curve – the stages that everyone goes through when faced with change – that gives the trans* person in your family some guidance on how best to do this. You may also want to read it to understand a little more about why human beings don’t like change much and react in similar, predictable ways to it.
It is in our interests to help you cope with our transition. If we want you in our lives, we must make the effort. Communicating with you is, therefore, vital to the process. However much you might not want to talk about it, expressing your feelings is better than bottling them up. Please tell us how you are feeling. If you can’t do it face-to-face, phone us or write to us. If you need time and space, say so. We can respect that. Trans* Jersey’s post on communicating assertively applies to you as well as to us. Anger is a common reaction to change, especially change that is out of our control. Get angry, but please don’t get angry with us. Gender dysphoria is not something that we chose. If you need to get angry, get angry with the change, with the dysphoria, with the situation, but not with us.
To speak assertively: at some point, you have to accept that our transition is not just a phase, it isn’t going to go away. If you want us in your life, you must make an effort, too. Acknowledging this fact is the first step to accepting our transition and that goal of giving us a hug and saying something similar to: “That’s great news. I’m so happy that you have reached a place where you feel able to express yourself in a way that is true to the person you really are. How can I best help and support you?”
To answer the question, “How can I best help and support you?”, all we ask is that you are as proud of us as you always were. Be open and honest about our transition, don’t hide it. Be as proud that you have a trans* family member as you are of the other things we have done in our lives and the other members of your family. If you hide it, you are suggesting to those outside the family that there is a reason to hide it, that it is something of which to be ashamed. When people see that those closest to us accept our transition they, too, will take that attitude. After all, if those closest to us accept us, what right have others to find it “weird”? This also maximises our chances of staying safe from transphobic attacks – one of your fears for us. If we have allies who will step into defend us, we aren’t alone.
And that is what all trans* people who come out to their friends and family fear most – that they will end up alone as a result of their revelation. Please don’t do that to your family member, they will be much more vulnerable if you do and you will be the poorer for it.
Documentary about eight families with transgender or gender non conforming children.
The first place any trans* person should go for support is their doctor or GP. If you do not think your GP is comfortable handling your case, do not be afraid to change to another GP in the practice or move practices. Your GP is the gatekeeper to many of the trans* services and medical procedures you will need to access so their support is crucial.
For those trans individuals who are going the public healthcare route into the UK system, the Community Mental Health Service (Adult Mental Health or Child and Adolescent Mental Health) at La Chasse is where their GP should refer them and where their psychiatrist will be based. For those wishing to see a psychiatrist privately, there are several practitioners in Jersey who have clinics at The Little Grove, St Lawrence. However, patients will still need to be referred there by their GP.
For those trans individuals who elect to undergo hormone therapy, the Department of Metabolic Medicine at Overdale is where their GP should refer them and where their consultant will be based. For those wishing to see an endocrinologist privately, there is a clinic at The Little Grove, St Lawrence. However, patients will still need to be referred there by their GP.
If you are unsure what you should do and just want to talk to someone in confidence, the Jersey branch of the Samaritans can be telephoned on 725555 or 08457 909090 or contacted by email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Trans* islanders seeking legal advice regarding their rights in Jersey can get free, confidential and impartial advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau.
Trans* islanders who wish to change their name by deed poll will need the services of a legal practice. Again, as with your GP, ensure that your advocate is sympathetic to your needs and do not be afraid to change if he or she does not seem comfortable handling your case.
As a trans* person you may be subject to discrimination or harassment as an employee or as a customer of a business. If you find yourself in this position, Jersey Advisory and Conciliation Service (JACS) can provide you with free, confidential and impartial advice regarding your rights.
Transwomen as a demographic are particularly vulnerable to physical abuse and attacks. In the unlikely event that you have been the victim of an attack in Jersey, you should call the States of Jersey Police (emergency no. 999, telephone no. 612612) as soon as possible to report the crime. If you want to speak to the LGBT community liaison officer, you should ask for PC710 Emma Poulliquen or email the LGBT community liaison team.
If you are in the UK, the Metropolitan Police give this advice for reporting a crime online and, specifically, regarding hate crime. If you are not sure whether you have been the victim of a hate crime, read the City of London Police guidelines.
Finally, when dealing with all these agencies, remember Jersey is a small place and your case may be the first of its kind for the person you are dealing with. Be patient with them and explain clearly what you need them to do for you. You will find that most islanders are not transphobic and will do their best to help you.
If you are under 16, there are some specialist agencies in Jersey that can help you. All the agencies listed above will also help you – they are not just for adults.
If you are the victim of harassment, bullying or abuse, at home or at school, because of your gender expression, you should contact The Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub (MASH) who work with lots of different childcare agencies to keep young people safe. They are based at the Bridge and can be contacted by telephone on 449213 or by email at enquiries-MASH@gov.je
If you just want to talk to someone in confidence about gender issues, you can contact YES by telephone on 08007 350121 (freephone) or 766628 or by email at email@example.com All calls or emails to YES are treated in the strictest confidence.